How to Use a Subaru Crosstrek as a Metaphor for Sex
A father and son are parked on the street in a Subaru Crosstrek, son at the wheel. He’s nervous.
“Feel that curve, son,” Dad says in a hushed, reverent tone. He’s really into this. “You feel how that’s perfectly round? You feel how that’s crafted by Subaru for you, ergonomically, so you can drive up and down this road, safely?”
“Yeah, dad, it’s a steering wheel.”
“Ooh,” Dad winces. “Ah, I don’t know if you’re ready to drive with talk like that.” He throws his hands on the dash. “You gotta respect this machine. Ok?”
“Yeah, alright, dad. Can I go?”
“Yeah, put your hand on that gear shifter there. You see how it’s just designed for you?”
“Yeah…”
“Yeah, go ahead and pop that bad boy into drive, why don’t you?”
“What is happening?” The son takes his hands off the wheel and puts them in the air. “Why are you talking about it like this? This isn’t a sex talk.”
Dad frowns, suddenly very reasonable speaking normally. “No, I know, I’m just trying to get you to respect the car, that’s all. So you don’t make any mistakes, you know, that you’ll regret.”
“OK, alright, I’m gonna go ahead and go.”
“Alright,” Dad says, back to the hushed tone. “When you’re driving this baby, always be real gentle, OK? Never do something this chassis isn’t into. Always be like, ‘Can I make this left here on this green?’ And just, oh, you gotta have that consent.”
“Yeah, I get it, dad,” he laughs. He pulls into the street and begins to drive. “Are you also trying to give me the sex talk?”
“No, man!” Dad says, back to reasonable. “I mean, if you wanted to transfer some of it to sex, that way we would only have to knock out one of these, that fine! But that’s not-I’m teaching you how to drive!”
They drive in silence. The car slows as they approach a four-way stop.
Dad considers the situation. “Now you’re gonna want to turn on your blinker like you’re fucking it-”
“OK!” the son says. He puts the car in park, undoes his seat belt, and gets out.
Originally published at https://www.tumblr.com on January 8, 2020.
