Sniveling Little Bitch
Inspiration from a joke by Ricky Gervais
The preacher is droning on.
“I’m replaying Endgame in my head,” says a boy in a pew.
Two brothers suppress laughter.
Two people turn around and scowl at them, raising a finger to their lips.
“What if Jesus came back today?” an elderly lady asks.
“What if Jesus came back right now and started a dance party?” one brother whispers.
They snort.
More people turn around to shush them. Their mother and father plead with them to be quiet; young parents who are new to the area.
The boys try to seem contrite, but are bouncing with silent laughter. One reaches for a tissue from the tissue holder in the pew in front of him. Someone has written something on it and stuffed it back into the box. It reads “Sniveling little bitch.”
The boy cannot control his laughter. He is yelping for breath. Half of the church has turned to look at him now. He passes it to his brother and his brother joins him in laughing uncontrollably.
“What is going on over there?” says the preacher. He is a young man, just taking over for old Brother Tony who retired.
The people in pews part to make way for the preacher to see the laughing boys.
“Something funny, boys?” he asks. He has stepped down from the altar and is walking toward them.
“I’m sorry, Brother George,” the mother offers.
Brother George raises a hand. “Let’s hear from them. Can you tell me what is so funny, boys?” He is calm. The old ladies eye him, looking for weakness.
The boy nearest to him offers the tissue.
“Sniveling little bi-” he mutters. A smile crawls across his face. “Did you write this?” he asks.
The boys shake their heads no.
To the congregation. “The tissue they pulled from the box reads ‘sniveling little bitch,’” the preacher says. There is a shocked silence.
The boys are laughing so hard they are falling on the floor between the pews.
The old ladies are scandalized.
The young preacher smiles. “It’s funny,” he says. Chuckles erupt from him. He smiles at the laughing boys.
Their mother claps her hand across her mouth. The father suppresses a smile.
“See!” he says. “Can you imagine pulling out this tissue at a funeral?” He laughs and then doubles over with more laughter.
For a long while, only five people are laughing. Only the preacher and the boys are laughing openly. The preacher screams with laughter.
A few people begin to laugh.
Soon, everyone is laughing. Only except for the lady who asked about Jesus’s sudden return.
In a lull, the preacher says between breaths, “Sniveling little bitch!” and everyone erupts with pure, joyful laughter.
The preacher makes his way back to the altar.
“Thank you, boys,” he finally says, wiping a tear from his eye. “Let’s all go home on that note, huh?”
Originally published at https://www.tumblr.com on February 19, 2020.
